Cohabitation Hurts More Than a Couple by Joshua Hayes

Word from the Center
Written By LCRL Staff

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If a couple came to me and said, “Pastor, we’d like to get married, and we’d like to do everything we can today to make sure our marriage ends in divorce tomorrow,” then I would tell them that the first thing they should do is move in together. Cohabitation is that destructive to marriage and family life.

However, the warning must not stop there. Because it is a form of public and intentional sin, cohabitation is particularly destructive to the conscience, and not just to the couple’s conscience but also to the conscience of the Christian community. Many couples view their choices as going no further than themselves. I would like to challenge this by considering some of the ways that cohabitation harms the broader Christian community.

A biblical concern
St. Paul had this broader concern in mind in his Epistle to the Galatians. He warned them about the dangers of open sins against conscience: “I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:21). He teaches the duty of seeking to restore those caught in sin: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Gal. 6:1). But the verse does not stop there! Paul goes further still: “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

Why would Christians need to keep watch on the themselves as they seek to address those caught in open sin? Surely the usual temptations to pride and self-righteousness must be overcome, but there is another: the temptation to view open sin against the commandments as not that big of a deal. To keep watch on myself I must recognize that not only do my sins harm my conscience, but the sins of others work to desensitize my conscience as well. “Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?” (1 Cor. 5:6).

Returning to the sin of cohabitation, then, the church’s concern must not only be for the couple, but also for the conscience of the entire church and our witness before the world. Here are some of the ways that cohabitation harms the broader Christian community:

1. Cohabitation pressures Christians to be accepting of sin.
Because cohabitating couples are sinning openly, there comes a silent demand that everyone look the other way. Families and congregations feel pressured to be silent or even to be happy for them. Sometimes the crisis of conscience within the family is as painful as it is silent: “Do I speak up and risk ruining my relationship with my children?” Sadly, often the pastor or other spiritual leader (Gal. 6:1) is the only or first one to speak up.

Most of my readers will know what I mean. In a case of open sin, you were probably pressured to look the other way. Perhaps your children and relatives acted like the sin was normal and good. The hurt you felt needs to be acknowledged. It is not your fault that you had to speak the truth in love about their sin. It is not your fault that things are so messy. Even as we are called to forgive those who trespass against us, it is important to acknowledge that sin against us does indeed hurt!

Pastors feel this pressure too. The cohabitating couple often, even if silently, demands that the pastor publicly sanction what he is required from the Bible to ask others to forsake. They especially demand this if they demand a public church wedding but refuse to repent. And all of us feel the two-fold danger latent in the command in Galatians 6:1, namely failing to address the sin on the one hand, or, on the other hand, failing to do so “in a spirit of gentleness.” No easy task!

2. Cohabitation confuses the definition of marriage.
God created and defined marriage in Genesis 1–2. It consists in the union of one man and one woman for life. The marriage bed (sexual intimacy) is a blessing within marriage and sinful outside of marriage in every instance. There is never a case for marriage-only things outside of marriage, and a commitment to this truth in both word and deed is what the marriage vows are about. God wants to protect marriage from infidelity. Cohabitation implies that sometimes the marriage bed can be OK outside of marriage. This is a functional redefinition of the marriage vow.

3. Cohabitation suggests that all sin is the same.
Some people object that cohabitation is a sin just like any other sin, and that by calling on cohabiting couples to amend their lives the church is cherry-picking certain sins. The Scriptures will not allow us to follow this line of thinking. True, all sin is damning and separates us from God (Rom. 3:22–23). This does not mean, however, that all sin is the same in terms of the collateral damage it does to people’s lives and faith.

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The Rev. Joshua Hayes serves as pastor of St. John Lutheran Church, Palmer, Kan. 

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